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Greetings From The CLIT
By Dano the CLIT

They say that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, but we prefer that March comes in like a Dom and goes out like a Sub.  March doesn’t care either way.  It is just one more month to get in the way of us arriving at the Best Week of the Year.

Meanwhile, over at Spanky’s HQ, your intrepid STAPH are busy vetting new Spankers through extensive psychological profiles, DNA testing, multiple interviews with trained interrogators, and everything this side of a rectal probe.  So far, it looks as if we have a great bunch of noobs to welcome onto our island of misfit toys.

As you peruse the March issue of The Paddler, look for information on recruitment, new attraction suggestions, the importance of funding, and a new hidden Easter egg of dirty pictures.  (if you find any, please tell me where they are).

We don’t have much to say at this time of year, but try to enjoy The Paddler anyway.  We will get to the impotent stuff as the summer approaches.  So get in the habit of reading this damned thing wouldja?

Stay dusty my friends,
Dano

Note from the editor:  Beware the Ides of March

In This Month’s Paddler, You’ll Find:

• Hold the phone.  How much does this shit show cost?
• It’s a bit nipply out, don’t you agree?
• That thing that you do do
• We’re Totally Not Cult… but Recruit Like We Are!
• In the zone with a drone
• Dear Aunt Spanky
• Important Dates
• STAPH Listing

Money Money Money Money, Money!
By Dano the CLIT

Holy Smokes! I just purchased my Stewards Tickets and am still stunned by the number of numbers on my bill.  It made me wonder if it was all really worth it.  HA! I’m kidding!  Of course it is worth it (just don’t tell the Borg).  The new tiered ticket price thingamajig is a little off-putting, but when I stopped to think about it,  I kinda get it.

Building a City in the desert isn’t easy.  Or cheap.

We do the same thing, on a smaller scale, here at the Best Goddam Bar on the Playa.

It is a sad reality that money makes the world go ’round, and it also is a necessary evil for the functioning of Spanky’s Wine Bar.  Believe me, if we could do this for free, we would.

But, unlike the Borg, we have a single price for dues.  We all pay it.  I have watched how hard our dedicated STAPH works at putting together this Dirt Circus, and if anybody deserved free entry into The Crown Jewel of Burning Man Bars, it would be them.  I am constantly impressed at how much time so many people put in to our little island of misfit toys.  I have often tried to double their salaries from $0 to $00, but our Budget Advisory Board Ensemble insists that we just can’t swing it.

Note from the underpaid editor: Think about how much more cool shit we could bring to the Playa with that extra zero…. just sayin’

To make Spanky’s work, we ALL have to contribute some of that filthy lucre.  We are all in this together and that is actually part of what makes the magic.  Money is actually the easy part.  After we all kick in our share, then we get to ruin our weekends with Work/Parties; use up all of our PTO with Build/Strike and Burn Week; sacrifice our evenings to Zoom meetings; and best of all, destroy our internal organs hanging out with some of our favorite people.

So don’t feel bad when you shoot off your $420 to Amethyst.  Look at it as a small way to make the Best Week of the Year (hereafter referred to as the BWY) fun for not only our campmates, but all of our patrons who dangle their dingles in shitty wine, or open their minds to a whole new person they become after a flaming enema or public flogging.

So PAY YOUR GODDAM DUES! And feel good about it because you could say that we are doing God’s work.  Or not…..

It’s All in the NIPS!

By Romeo, aka Rowan

Hello beloved virgin and seasoned Spankers alike! NOOB Integration is undergoing some changes in 2025. Unfortunately, Tomorrow and Poseidon will not be reprising their roles this year.  Although they will be dearly missed, Lindsay and I will be stepping in to fill their shoes.  We also, now, too, have a super official fancy shmancy acronym. We’re perky, we’re tender, we’re fun to play with…we’re NIPS (Noob Integration and Participation Syndicate)!

“Virgins” (emphasis on the quotation marks), If you have questions, concerns, need friendly advice, or just want to shoot the shit and get excited, NIPS is here for you! We will reach out to you in the coming months to check in, provide you with useful resources to make sure you’re Burn ready, and fill you in on potential pre-playa virtual rendezvous as well as on-playa NOOB events. In the meantime, please do not hesitate to reach out! I promise we’re really nice and only bite with consent.

You can get a hold of us in the #noobs channel of our Discord, or email us at nips@spankys.org or noobs@spankys.org. 

You know That Think You’ve Always Wanted to do?  Well, Tell Us About It!

By SpankIT, the IT guy

I’ve always considered Spankers a crafty bunch, with wide-eyed ambitions and dreams of greatness.  We’re the “get shit done” camp on the Playa.  We turn junk into… well, more junk, but fun junk!  Who else on playa provides as much fun as we do, or turn as many ass cheeks as rosy as we do, or light as many ass holes on fire as we do?  No one!  We’re the Cream of the Crop, YEAH!

So, imagine my dismay when reviewing the results form last month’s Paddler for event ideas, THAT ONLY ONE OF YOU RESPONDED! (Thank you Amethyst)

I know we can do better than that.  It doesn’t matter how silly, fucked up, deranged, nasty, possibly illegal, or offensive it is, we want to know know about!

So please, click this link, and let your juices flow.  Umm… errr… your creative juices.

Bring your Friend(zzzzzzz)
By Webster

My Darling Spankweasels!

It’s that time of the year again! You know, the one in which your succulent STAPH-ers start getting this ball really rolling towards spank o’clock? And you know what that means?

Bodies Bodies Bodies, we need Bodies! 

Where better to look than in the closets, under the beds, and in the stables of our very own people? I mean it, folks.  Spanky’s is recruiting and we want your best, your brightest, your filthiest unwashed masses, and we want them NOW NOW NOW. If you know anyone who would fit in with our mangy crew of delinquent dingusses, please send them our way. There’s even a little bit of an incentive for you financially (email amethyst@spankys.org about our Master-Rebater program for specifics). Spanky’s wants fresh meat, and we want you to bring home the bacon.

So if you know anyone who fits the bill that you want to join in our fun, frolic, and fuckery, send them over to https://spankys.org/sign-up/ and we will set up an interview with them, get them vetted, injected, inspected, detected, and selected. Before you know it, you’ll be standing shoulder to shoulder with them–butt naked–slinging drinks, rolling dice, setting fire to the anuses of the unsuspecting public, and smelling their week-old sweat-stank. Choose accordingly!

Our Brand Spankin’ New Promo Video!

By SpankIT, the IT guy

You’ve asked for it.

You’ve begged for it.

You’ve patiently waited for it like a good boy or girl.  pat pat pat

Well, it’s finally here.

Enjoy, in glorious 4k, the drone video that was taken during last year’s burn.

https://youtu.be/DyaNKi6phy0

Unfortunately, but rightfully so, YouTube has tagged this as 18+, so we’re unable to embed it, but please share the link far and wide.  Let people know that it doesn’t even convey a tiny fraction of the fun that is to be had a Spanky’s Wine Bar.

A huge shout out and many thanks to DD for operating the drone, shooting the footage, editing the video, and making it look as rad as it does!

Dear Aunt Spanky
By, well… you!

Dear Aunt Spanky is the advice column of the paddler written by anonymous Spankers. If you have questions that are kinky, sexy, stupid, funny, embarrassing, burn, or Spanky’s related and want a public and hopefully amusing and informative response please write to DearAuntSpanky@spankys.org and our editors will select a few to respond to in the paddler every month–if we aren’t experts in the topic, we will try to find a spanker who is.

========================

Dear Aunt Spanky,

I’ve been experimenting with playing with my bottom. It feels pretty nice, but I feel like the amount of prep that is required for it makes it hard for me to want to do with a partner–you know, spontaneity and all that. Do you have any suggestions about how to abridge things, so that I feel nice and clean and ready, but that don’t take forever?

Yours,

Bottom with a Bottom

Dear Bottom,

My personal method for prepping for any sort of butt play is as follows:

1. The day before butt play is happening (assuming you know it’s going to be), drink a cup of “Smooth Move” tea and really clear yourself out.
2. A few hours before play, do an enema. It really makes you feel spick and span. Some may call an enema AND laxative tea redundant…I call it thorough.
3. If you can incorporate a shower or bath into your foreplay, not only is it steamy in more ways than one, it’s refreshing. If not, excuse yourself to the bathroom as things seem like they’re starting to heat up, and treat your ass hole to a 30 second whore bath in the sink. This step is also probably the best method if you need to prep on short notice.
   And lastly 
4. If you’re knocking on shit’s door, don’t be surprised when shit answers. And that is something I truly believe anyone worth their weight in salt understands and gladly accepts (because sexy times are fun and who cares).

===

Dear Aunt Spanky,

What’s on your personal list of necessary playa supplies that one might not find on a run-of-the-mill Burning Man packing list?

Sincerely,

Trying To Think Outside Of The Box

Dear stuck Inside-a-box (oh my!),

Aunt Spanky is a bit of a naughty little harlot, so some of her packing speaks to that, she’s also a teensy bit of a survivalist, so there’s an aspect of that as well, and most importantly, she likes to party in traditionally Spanktastic fashion. Rather than enumerating a long long packing list, it seems like maybe this is an opportunity for a classic–a top ten list!

1. An odd-shaped light-up something (I like emergency triangles, or those rotating orange warning lights) that you can mount to your bike when you leave it in a pile of other bikes it helps it stand out from the crowd
2. A catholic schoolgirl outfit–for digging trenches in
3. Singlejack hammer–I’m not the only thing that needs a good pounding around camp
4. Malort–nuff said
5. Cheapo Bicycle Repair kit w/pump–always bring it to workshifts too. Bar patrons are endlessly asking for a little bit of air, and this is easier than the other kind of blowjob
6. A mixed case of hard liquor–Spanky’s might serve the best shitty beer and wine on the playa, but after work when it’s just us girls a little hooch helps me holler.
7. A little black dress–gotta be classy sometimes
8. Assorted gags and plugs–don’t want to be borrowing those from your friends (unless you’re like REALLY GOOD FRIENDS)
9. Boner pills–Even if you don’t normally need them, they can be useful when the going gets tough, plus you might have a friend who is in need.
10. Jumper cables–Never had a burn when I didn’t need ’em
11.  A strong acceptance of the reality that nothing will go as planned, and everything will be okay anyway unless it is not.
12. A wide-mouthed pee jug, or a very open-minded friend
13. A silly straw

Okay so I know that was thirteen, but you know–it’s not Burning Man unless you’re overpacking!

Important Dates

• March 27: Placed Camp Questionnaire due
• May 6: RV Servixes Prices determined
• May 31: Dues Deadline for returning Spankers
• June: Placement announces Spanky’s address
• June 15: Deadline for RV Pumpout payments
• July 31: Deadline for RV Power and Water Payments
• Aug 18: Build Week
• Aug 23: Soft Opening Party at the Best Goddam Bar on the Playa
• Aug 30: Man Burns
• Sep 4: Start Planning for 2026!

In This Month’s Paddler, You’ll Find:

• Remember that shlepping of heavy shit I was telling you about?
• Pre Work Party Work Party
• Speed date Spanky’s Wine Bar!
• Today? Tomorrow? Yesterday?  I don’t care, I just need a flippin’ ticket!
• Join House of Seepage Garage
• Calling All Sparkies
• Do Wop Diddy Dues Diddy Deadline
• Why is my wallet so light?
• Tent (yes, you read that right. Tent!) and RV Servixes and Prices
• I don’t know who this Tom Foolery guy is, but he better have consent
• Dear Aunt Spanky
• Important Dates
• STAPH

Wait What? We Have to Work? And Party?
By Ishalicious, Quartermaster

WASSSSUPPP MY BITCHES!

Change is cumming inside of Spanky’s! We’ve got ourselves a brand spanking new (to us) Conex container that if we play our cards right is going to simplify the shit out of load in and load out. We’ll be keeping it at Art Tech in western Reno, and they’ll be handling transport on and off playa for us. So we’ll be able to keep the stuff that we don’t need to get at other than on playa in a secure location out of our way all year long. Fuckin nice, right? The rub is that we’ve gotta get that fucker loaded in the first place.

So which of you bitches is gonna join me and the intrepid lunatics of the logistics team (which totally exists) to help out? We need a lotta hand(job)s on deck because if we do this right it means no additional work party this summer. That’ll save a lot of money and time and backs, and I’m sure we all have better things to blow our money and backs out on.

We will meet on FRIDAY EVENING, on MAY 16th at the 40 Mile Saloon. You’ll get to catch up with your old friends, and make some new ones. Then the hard work starts at 10AM on SATURDAY MAY 17th AT SAFARI RV (2720 KIETZKE LANE, RENO, NV 89502) and we will keep working hard all day Sunday with a groovy little afterparty of some kind or another afterwards. 

WE NEED YOU. SPANKY’S NEEDS YOU.

Please email me Ish@spankys.org and cc dano@spankys.org to let us know that WE CAN COUNT ON YOU!

LOVE ALL YOU BITCHES TO PIECES!  
–Ish

Emergency Work Party
By Dano the CLIT

On April 26 and 27, our Kitchen Crew (ForNow and ForLater) will be at Safari RV in Reno to knock out some kitchen infrastructure.  I’ll be there to help.  Ish will be there to help.  Anybody else wanna join?  If you are anywhere around Reno, come on down and join the party!  I suspect there will be some liver abuse, er, preparation at the 40 Mile Saloon on Friday, April 25.  If you can make it, shoot me an email; dano@spankys.org.

Holy schmokes! That’s like two weekends away!   Can’t wait to see all y’all! 

Recruitment

By Bacon Daddy

Hello from Recruiting,

Just a quick reminder that Spanky’s will be taking part in two upcoming Bay Area Theme Camp Speed Dating events. The first will be Thursday, April 17th in Oakland at the East Bay Community Space, and the second will be Thursday, May 7th in San Francisco at Teeth Bar (2323 Mission St). Both events will kick off around 7:00 PM. If any Spanky’s members are free and nearby, we’d love for you to stop by and show your support for the camp.

For more information, feel free to email Bacon@spankys.org.

As a reminder you get $100 off your camp dues for every new member you recruit so please spread the word to new perspective spankers.

Ticketing

By Red Queen

Hi All!

I’ve got two important items to cover in this months Paddler regarding tickets, PLEASE READ!

Steward Sale Update: Thank you to everyone that participated! The transfer tool has recently opened up. So I will be in touch with those that still need tickets/vehicle passes and those that have extra to start the matching process. If you still need a ticket and/or vehicle pass, please email me ASAP at RedQueen@spankys.org.

Tomorrow Sale: If you are still in need of a ticket and I don’t pair you up with a Steward Ticket Sale buyer, the Tomorrow Sale will be open for registration April 21-29 (starts and ends at 12pm Pacific time). The Sale will start on April 30th at 12pm Pacific time. All tiered pricing levels will be available, but I have a feeling the $550 & $650 will sell out immediately. Meaning there will only be $750 and above tickets available.

If you have any questions or need any help, please email me at RedQueen@spankys.org.

Can’t wait to see you all in the dust!

Red Queen
Spanky’s Ticket Maven 

House of Seepage Garage is Calling!

By Olaf

If you haven’t ridden on the Boss Hogg, you haven’t lived.  Ok, maybe if you haven’t merely seen the Boss Hogg you haven’t lived.  The Hogg is one of the Mutant Vehicles that calls Spanky’s Wine Bar home.  It has been a fixture in camp ever since Major D acquired it from some OG Burners in the naughties, and now it is my dirty, horny, crusty, baby.

We all know how hard the playa is on everything and everyone, and the Hogg is no exception.  It seems to be oozing fluids and other MOOP just about everywhere it goes, and because of that, it goes nowhere.

Spanky’s needs the Boss Hogg to regain its “legs” and contain its incontinence.  Great camps need great mutants, and a well lit, snorting, and farting Hogg fits the bill.  We can use it for ice runs, taking people to the hospital, cruising the strip for babes and/or hunks, you know the usual sort of stuff.

So if you, or anybody you know is mechanically inclined, and available to come to Reno and spend some time under the hood of the Volvo chassis the Hogg rests upon, run, don’t walk to your computer and email me, olaf@spankys.org (and cc dano@spankys.org) and let’s put together a team to bring the Boss Hogg back to life!

Calling all Sparkies!

By Olaf

I’m not talking Sparkle Ponies here!  I’m talking about SPOOGE.  Spanky’s Power Operations and Oversight of Generation Endeavor keeps the lights on, the music pumping, and the AC cranking.  The Kitchen may be the Soul of the community, but SPOOGE is the beating heart of the camp.  Without power, we are just a bunch of sweaty sexy beasts out in the desert wandering around with flashlights.

Over the years we have put together a team of five dedicated Spankers to assemble, maintain, and monitor this vital piece of infrastructure.  But this year, three of these heroes are on hiatus (Tad/Stout will be doing important “science” in the Arctic Ocean, Toyota Tony is taking a year off, and Dylan/Dyldawg is off to build art in the heat) leaving only Headshot and myself to make all the magic.  (Be sure to offer Headshot all the oral sex you can for being such a stalwart!)

So if YOU want to immerse yourself in SPOOGE, wear the bitchin’ hard hat, gain the admiration of your fellow campers, and really contribute to the success of the camp, email me at olaf@spankys.org  (and cc dano@spankys.org) and let’s light this place up!

Camp Dues Deadline and Discount Deals
By Amethyst

ALL CAMP DUES MUST BE PAID IN FULL BY MAY 31, 2025. The 2025 camp dues are $420. 

STEPS:

1. SIGN UP at www.spankys.org/sign-up
2. PAY DUES www.spankys.org/pay-dues/ and use the Zelle QR code

PayPal, Venmo and other payment apps are not accepted. Contact amethyst@spankys.org for instructions to mail a check, money order, or international payments through Western Union.

NEED OPTIONS?

• Discount Deal: Pay dues by May 31, 2025 and you will be spared the shaming, guilting, the “Dude. Pay your dues!” calls from Dano and expulsion from camping at Spankys this year.
• Extension: Contact dano@spankys.org to request a submissive extension on
  due date
• Masterebate: Recruit a Noob to Spanky’s and after they pay full dues, get $100 off your dues (up to $300)
• Hardship Request: Read the next article below, then contact dano@spankys.org to request hardship funding

Spanker Banker,

Amethyst 

Fuck Me!  This is Expensive!

By Dano the CLIT

Yeah, I get it, this shit gets expensive.  The tickets! The airfare! The outfits! The car repairs! The illegal substances! The time off of work! The GSR! The dues!
Speaking for myself, I’ve been going through my car seats looking for lost change, eating Top Ramen, and cutting back on my bar visits (OK, you got me on the last one) to save up for the Best Week of the Year.  But sometimes not even that is enough.  And other times finances just don’t work out for everyone.

BUT FEAR NOT FELLOW SPANKERS!

We have contingency funds for Spankers who are a little down on their luck this year.  If you find yourself at the end of the money with too much of the month left, and still want to be a part of the The Crown Jewel of Burning Man Bars, send me an email (dano@spankys.org) explaining why your circumstances deserve to have other Spankers subsidize your dues, and what a great member of camp you are (that should be easy!), and we will see what we can do to make sure you make it out to Black Rock City.

All inquiries are strictly confidential, rarely turned away, and designed to insure that great Spankers don’t get left on the beach when the Dirt Cruiseship leaves port.  I will ask every recipient of Hardship dues to make a monetary contribution that fits their budget, but doesn’t leave a bruise.

Don’t be shy! Apply!

Tent and RV Servixes and Prices

By Amethyst

• These are delightful extras, not included as part of your regular camp dues
• Order early and pay in advance, not in arrears or our rears, to secure services
• NEW in 2025: Water service for tent campers! Must order and pay in advance

How to order: Send your detailed desires (orders) to Amethyst at amethyst@spankys.org with the safe words “SERVIXES ORDER” in the subject line. He’ll work his masterfulness to send you a sub invoice with payment options faster than he can masturbate (it’s quick).

Ordering Deadlines

• RV Pump Outs – June 19
• RV Water Fills – August 1
• RV Power Subscription – August 1
• Tent Camper Water – August 1

Payment Deadlines

• RV Pump Outs – June 26
• RV Water Fills – August 8
• RV Power Subscription – August 8
• Tent Camper Water – August 8

RV Pump Outs and RV Water Fills Available Service Dates

Choose your days wisely, these are the only dates we offer these services for RVs. These typically happen before noon, and you will not need to be present. Just make sure your water and pump out connections are accessible and ready for action!

• Monday, August 25
• Wednesday, August 27
• Friday, August 29
• Sunday, August 31

Grey/Black Water Pump Outs – $100 each

This gets the waste removed from your RV (not your trash or unwanted RV mate) and even better, you don’t have to be around when it happens. You get tenjoy Burning Man! Please indicate quantity and which available date(s) you want the Pump Out(s).

Water Fills by The Spanky’s Hydration Insertion Team (aka The SHIT) –
$1.00/Gallon

Let our hydration heroes squirt some liquid life into your chasms.

• RV Water Fill – 20 gallons minimum order per ordered day. Please indicate the number of gallons for each day you order water, and which available date(s) you want the Water Fill(s). EXAMPLE: Monday 8/25, 20 gals, Friday 8/29, 30 gals
• NEW! Tent Camper Water – 5 gallons minimum per ordered day and 10 gallons MAXIMUM TOTAL order.  Water is for bathing and cleaning only!  You still need to bring your own drinking water! Order and pay in advance. Please indicate the number of gallons for each day you order water (must be 5 or more gallons), and which available date(s) you want the Water Fill(s). Choose your days wisely, these are the only dates we fill orders. These will typically happen before noon. You need to provide your own container(s) to hold at least 5 gallons and show up at the filling truck.
  • Sunday, August 24
  • Monday, August 25
  • Tuesday, August 26
  • Wednesday, August 27
  • Friday, August 29
  • Saturday, August 28

ORDER EXAMPLE: Monday 8/25 – 5 gallons, Friday 8/29 – 5 gallons

POWER SUBSCRIPTIONS: 20, 30 or 50 AMP (pricing and ordering coming in May Paddler)

Master Payment Option: Zelle! You can find the Zelle QR code at www.spankys.org/pay-dues/

Submissive Payment Options: Contact amethyst@spankys.org for instructions to mail a check, money order or international payments through Western Union.

Amethyst – His Job Literally Sucks, so yours doesn’t!

Orders and Questions? Reach out to Amethyst at amethyst@spankys.org 

If Not a HELL YES, It’s a No

By HornyCorn 

Consent can be a “no shit” situation when up to tomfoolery like trying to stick your finger up an unsuspecting butt (pun intended). But it extends far beyond. Just about all of us get caught up in the chaos of the burn, both outside and what is inside ourselves. All of the sudden, in the middle of all that spinning, we can end up in a situation where we don’t feel comfortable. Say, like when another burner pulls us into a tent full of orgies. Or, hey, maybe even when they don’t. If we feel uncomfortable in a situation we’re put in, physically or mentally, we did not consent

Well-intended excitement and inclusion can have an unintended spin. Both toward ourselves and by ourselves. 

Dear Aunt Spanky
By, well… you!

Dear Aunt Spanky is the advice column of the paddler written by anonymous Spankers. If you have questions that are kinky, sexy, stupid, funny, embarrassing, burn, or Spanky’s related and want a public and hopefully amusing and informative response please write to DearAuntSpanky@spankys.org and our editors will select a few to respond to in the paddler every month–if we aren’t experts in the topic, we will try to find a spanker who is.

========================

Dear Aunt Spanky,

My dear, old, oldschool, basic bitch, vibrator (you know…the plastic ones that take double A’s) has given up the ghost. I hear that there are all these newfangled sex-toy thingies out there, and I think I’d like one or five, but I don’t really know where to start, and I’m having a bit of sticker shock with what I’m seeing. As a clitoris-haver I like things that go buzz, but beyond that, I don’t know jack. Any advice for a gal in need of good vibes?

Signed, 

Trying to Pick Up Some Good Vibrations

Dear Trying,

Three Words: Satisfyer Pro Two. It will set you back about $40 and it is worth every penny; I am dead serious when I say every person with a clitoris should own one. You’re welcome in advance.

Happy Orgasming,

Aunt Spanky

===

Dear Aunt Spanky,

Do you have any must see or do recommendations for a virgin burner? With Burning Man being so massive, where does one even begin?

Sincerely,

So Much To Do and So Little Time

Dear So and So,

Jesus fuck where to begin. The Burn is one of those things that there’s no right way to do, and the near-infinite number of ever-changing things that you’ll find out there means that it’s pretty impossible to steer you neither right nor wrong. But hey everyone loves a top-ten list, so here is Aunt Spanky’s top “10” must sees and dos for tastily virginal burner twats.

1. Party at Spanky’s Wine Bar… Duh
2. One solitary, night-time bike ride where you look at art and inevitably end up lost
3. One fresh as fuck sunrise somewhere new to you. Find a sunrise rave, dance your tits off, take a nap in a random shady hammock before making your way home
4. Go to the temple mid-week, by yourself, and get a good cry in. Get consoled by a not-quite-stranger. Fall in love with her on the spot
5. Get suckered into a really irritating conversation about cryptocurrency with someone who is wearing fatigues and a pink cowboy hat, who is severely dehydrated and who  you have a sneaking suspicion may be related to certain owners of certain electric car manufacturers. Excuse yourself to go take a shit. Shit violently in a 120 degree porto in deep playa while you wait for him to get bored and wander off, feel the sweat start to lift the dust out of your pores, wonder if you are on drugs, hitch a ride on an art-car, drink a bespoke pineapple-lime sodapop served to you by a woman wearing nothing other than a cardboard sign that says ‘diesel-dyke’ in gothic script. Realize that it is extremely refreshing. Become briefly obsessed with a man who is dressed as a goat
6. Do your workshifts, volunteer for the post-office, join the little-black dress parade, help your neighbors fix their generator, eat an oreo, get conscripted into a popup/flashmob/improvisational theatre thingy in which you play the part of a squid, stumble into a ‘make your own cockring’ workshop, have your balls fondled by someone slightly older than your mother, like it, take her out to deep playa for a bit of the ol’ nasty, lose track of her in a dust storm, help people load lumber onto a pickup truck instead, take ownership of your experience. No fucking spectators
7. Hit that orgy dome, see what the hype is about. Go to one of the big sound camps, dance hard, then go find a real party with a squad of mid-seventies literature professors up to their eyeballs in acid, margaritas, and beef jerky. Run away from it all and lock yourself in a porta-potty until everything is fine again
8. Have a friend-date to find nighttime food at the french quarter–especially when they are doing their crawfish boil spread
9. Go out on an adventure on foot. Explore that forbidden dildo museum you unknowingly pedaled right past a dozen times
10. Go to the man and temple burns, get naked, dance around the flames, think seriously about eating the sweet potato that some god-eyed, tribal-tattooed, long-dicked,  trustafarian gnome is proffering you from the hot coals. Then think better of it, follow the searchlights back to Spanky’s naked as the day you were born (plus boots and nighttime lighting) and man the bar. Fucking dance. 

===

Dear Aunt Spanky,

What are some things that sound like they would be a good idea to bring to Burning Man, but in actuality, are not? I’ve started writing out a Burning Man packing list, but I want to make sure I’m not bringing anything that ultimately would have been better left at home.

Signed,

An Over Packer

Dear OP,

The real truth is that there are a lotta different styles that you can burn with. There are the minimalists, who just basically bring tools, clothes, and water. They’ll tell you that a tent is overrated and they’ll find where to sleep just using their genitals. Don’t listen to those people for your first burn…or your tenth. There are also people who think that you need to bring your own bus or there’s no point in coming. Don’t listen to those people either. The only thing that really springs to mind is as follows: you don’t need as much vinegar as you think you need. A bit is good, ten gallons is overkill. You probably don’t need as much food or water as you think you do either, but it’s better to have it and not need it than the alternative. You probably will forget to bring extra batteries, or zip ties, bike innertubes, or something else really important but luckily the playa does its damnedest to provide, especially if you are a nice person who makes cocktails for your fellow campmates. The most important things to not bring are a closed mind, an excess of fragility, and fucking glitter.

Important Dates

• April 21 – 29: Tomorrow ticket sale registration
• April 26 and 27: Pre Work Party Work Party
• April 30: Tomorrow ticket sales begin at noon Pacific time
• May 16 – 18: Main Work Party
• June: Placement announces Spanky’s address
• June 19: Deadline for RV pumpout orders
• June 26: Deadline for RV pumpout payment
• Aug 1: Deadline for RV power, and RV and Tent Water orders
• Aug 8: Deadline for RV power, and RV and Tent Water payments
• Aug 18: Build Week
• Aug 23: Soft Opening Party at the Best Goddam Bar on the Playa
• Aug 30: Man Burns
• Sep 4: Start Planning for 2026!

In This Month’s Paddler, You’ll Find:

• We’re going to Freedom the fuck out of you
• THWACK!! That’ll be $100, please
• If you don’t have a ticket or name badge, you’re gonna have a bad time
• Smacking people on the ass is serious business, people
• The fastest way to tomorrow is by giving up on today
• Get sucked dry and pumped wet, maybe AT THE SAME TIME
• Let’s SAP out with our WAP out
• Why can’t DJs play pool?  They always scratch.
• After two long years, I unearthed my favorite butt plug, The Abyss!
• Jiggle your PRNDL for me baby
• Let’s all be shifty bastards
• Stay at the J!
• Can a Barbie doll give consent?

Fourth of Juplaya
By Dano the CLIT

Just when you thought you could postpone getting dusty, somebody invented the Fourth of Juplaya. This is a celebration of our nation’s independence from Old Blighty by Burners who really know how to light it up.  As per usual Spanky’s Wine Bar will set up on the ashes of The Man.  We will bring sound, light, fireworks, firearms, beer, wine, and The Best Goddam Bar on the Playa.

Consider Juplaya a “shake down cruise” for the Big Burn.  We can drive fast on the playa, go to Bruno’s for breakfast, hang out in hot springs, swim in the reservoir, as well as party the tyranny out of our systems with reckless abandon.

We will head out from Reno Tuesday July 1 midday and stay until strike on Sunday July 6.  

If YOU want to join up, send me an email (dano@spankys.org) with JUPLAYA in the subject line.  If we get enough interest, we will also rent a hotel room at Bruno’s Motel so that anybody can drive into Gerlach and take a shower or hang out for a minute in the AC.  We also charge dues, so be prepared for as much as $75 to cover costs of beer, wine, fuel for the gennie, shower, etc.

I have been to Juplaya consistently for many years now, and it is great.  Short.  Sweet.  Uncrowded.  Super fun.  Five Stars!

Save Money By Spanking Your Friends!
By Bacon Daddy

You read that right; it’s not a typo!

How does that work, you ask?

Easy, by becoming a Master Rebator.  Spanky’s Still has about 20 spots left.  Now is the time to reach out to friends and encourage them to become fellow degenerates… err, I mean Spankers.

But how does that save me money???

Patience, I’m getting there.  For every friend you recruit, you get a $100 credit towards your dues, up to $300!  So bring a friend to the best god damn bar on the Playa, smack them on the bum bum (with their consent, of course), and save money while you do it! 

Tickets and Badges
By Red Queen – Ticket Maven and Name Badge Mistress

Tickets…Tickets…Tickets

The man burns in less than 75 days, which means it’s time to get your plans under way. This includes making sure your ticket and vehicle pass are set.

If you still need a ticket or vehicle pass, please reach out to me at redqueen@spankys.org as soon as possible! We still have a few available, so now is the time to get it all set!

We don’t need no stinkin badges…well…actually we do!

Spanky’s name badges are an important tool in making sure we know who belongs behind the bar and around camp. It’s also a great keepsake!

This is why we ask for a photo when you sign up, but some of you decided to skip that piece during sign-up. So if you haven’t sent a photo in to NameBadgePic@spankys.org, please do it as soon as possible!

See all your crazy Spankers in less than 2.5 months! 

Hot for Teacher
By Snow Patrol

Team Spank U

Wanna take a class at Spanky’s?  Wanna teach one?  Wanna be part of the light dungeon team?…then this article is for you.  

I would like to train two fabulous Spankers to teach my BDSM 101 class for if/when I am not on playa.  You will receive a syllabus & I will personally go over all of the details with you.  The classes will be at 1 PM Tuesday through Friday, & you will receive 2 hrs. work shift credit for each class you teach.

If any of you have wacky, zaney, kinky ideas for other Spank U classes please send me a brief description so I can put you in my schedule to go over the finer points.

Light Dungeon Team

Looking to fill up your Spanky’s work shift dance card?  We need fun, outgoing kinksters to monitor activity in the light dungeon.  You do not need extensive knowledge of BDSM to work these shifts.  Everything you need to know is covered in my BDSM 101 class.  We will have a special Spankers only class Monday at 4:30 right before the all camp meeting where we will address any other issues specific to this job.  Work shifts are 4 hrs.  We will staff the dungeon with 1 person from 4 PM – 8 PM, & 2 people from 8 PM – 4 AM daily (except Saturday when we close during the man burn).

For more info contact:  snowpatrol@spankys.org

Spanks & kisses xoxo

Snow Patrol 

LAST CALL YA’LL for Sexy RV Servixes and Camp
Water Services 2025 (aka SUB – Spanky’s Utilities
Bureau) – DEADLINES IMMINENT
By Amethyst

• These are erotic extras are not included as part of your regular camp dues
• Order now and pay in advance, not in arrears or our rears, to secure servixes
• NEW in 2025: Water service for tent campers! Must order and pay in advance.

How to order: Send your detailed, desires (orders) to Amethyst at amethyst@spankys.org with the safe words “SERVIXES ORDER” in the subject line. He’ll work his masterfulness to send you a SUB invoice with payment options.

Order Deadlines: Must be in email to amethyst@spankys.org by these dates

• June 19 – RV Pump Outs
• August 1 – RV Water Fills, RV Power Subscription, Tent Camper Water

Payment Deadlines: Must be in Spanky’s account by these dates

• July 7 – RV Pump Outs
• August 8 – RV Water Fills, RV Power Subscription, Tent Camper Water

NOW AVAILABLE: POWER SUBSCRIPTIONS
We expect to have power available every day after the generator arrives, nearly all
hours of the day, until end of burn week.

• 20 AMP $300 for a window AC unit in a yurt or elsewhere
• 30 AMP $500 for an RV with one AC unit
• 50 AMP $1000 for an RV with more than one AC unit

RV Pump Outs and RV Water Fills Available Service Dates
Choose your days wisely, these are the only dates we offer these services for RVs. These typically happen before noon, and you will not need to be present. Just make sure your water and pump out connections are accessible and ready for action!

• Monday, August 25
• Wednesday, August 27
• Friday, August 29
• Sunday, August 31

Grey/Black Water Pump Outs – $100 each
This gets the waste removed from your RV (not your trash or unwanted RV mate) and even better, you do not have to be around when it happens. You get to enjoy Burning Man! Please indicate quantity and which available date(s) you want the Pump Out(s).
ORDER EXAMPLE: Monday 8/25 – pump out, Friday 8/29 – pump out

Water Fills by The Spanky’s Hydration Insertion Team (aka The SHIT) –
$1.00/Gallon Let our hydration heroes squirt some liquid life into your chasms.

• RV Water Fill – 20 gallons minimum order per ordered day. Please indicate the number of gallons for each day you order water, and which available date(s) you want the Water Fill(s) RV Water Fill dates are shown above
  EXAMPLE: Monday – 8/25, 20 gals, Friday 8/29, 30 gals

• NEW! Tent Camper Water – 5 gallons minimum per ordered day and 10 gallons MAXIMUM TOTAL order. Order and pay in advance. Please indicate the number of gallons for each day you order water (must be 5 or more gallons), and which available date(s) you want the Water Fill(s). Choose your days wisely, these are the only dates we fill orders. These will typically happen before noon. You need to provide your own container(s) to hold at least 5 gallons and show up at filling truck.
  • Sunday, August 24
  • Monday, August 25
  • Tuesday, August 26
  • Wednesday, August 27
  • Thursday, August 28
  • Friday, August 29
  • Saturday, August 28
• ORDER EXAMPLE: Monday 8/25 – 5 gallons, Friday 8/29 – 5 gallons

Master Payment Option: Zelle! You can find the Zelle QR code at www.spankys.org/pay-dues/

Submissive Payment Options: Contact amethyst@spankys.org for instructions to mail a check, money order or international payments through Western Union.

Amethyst – His Job Literally Sucks, so yours doesn’t!
Orders and Questions? Reach out to Amethyst at amethyst@spankys.org

Procrastination is NOT a kink
By Dano the CLIT

I’ve been postponing this article for a while, but I can no longer.

Q: Do you know how many Burners it takes to screw in a light bulb?   
A: Fuck! We forgot lightbulbs!

NOW is the time to get your shit together for TBWoTY

Order those blinky lights NOW.   Sew up your costumery NOW.   Get those new tires for your trailer NOW.  Get your playa bike working NOW.   But mostly order your cheap Chinese sex toys etc. in time to minimize the panic in the aisles of the Reno Walmart in August.

Don’t tell me we didn’t warn you!

Setup Access Passes

By Webster, AKA Mr. Wolf, AKA The Fixer

Darling Friendos,

So y’all know how we have this really cool bar that we build out there on the playa? The notorious, illustrious, and let’s be honest, fairly fucking infamous crown jewel of playa bars?

Well it doesn’t build itself. Every year about a hundred of you fine fuckers join hands in the dust before the rest of the proles show face, and build the cocksucker. We put up the BASS, the kitchen, the musicallshiznizz, the grid, the bar, the attractions many and sundry, the chillspace, HQ, the shade structures, and one hundred other key things that I am currently forgetting, and we do it all in record time, for no other reason than because we fucking can, and I am asking YOU, dear Spanker, to sign up to help us out

There are setup access passes available to us in limited quantities for the Monday through Friday before the event, and we want to get them all allocated to the people that need them so we can make this party hop. Sign up for the one you need using this form  https://forms.gle/1oSFabTHonfScwFDA, and let’s get dirty.  

STAPH Changes with DJBJ

By Dano the CLIT

Not many people get excited by bureaucracy like I do, so no kink-shaming about this one.  I am happy to announce the creation of the latest greatest bureau in Spanky’s.  I give you (drum roll please!) The DJBJ Team!

For years our music has basically fallen upon the shoulders of one man, Dirty Dan Uhl.  Dan sacrificed hours and hours of his Burn to keep Spanky’s rockin’ but is taking the year off from the Burn.  Dirty Dan deserves big thanks for so many years of great music.

Some of you may have seen our “want ads” posted on the Burning Man Facebook page.  We expected maybe five or six DJ applicants.  So far, we have fielded over 100 demo tapes!  Who knew that so many people wanted to spin at The Infamous Crown Jewel of Burning Man Bars?

Since this job is too much for just one human, we have instituted the DJBJ Team (still working on what exactly this acronym stands for…).  Our own MIA (Chris) has assembled a crew of Spankers both young and old to evaluate all the demos, schedule our DJ lineup, fluff and fold the guest DJs, and setup and maintain the sound system.  Huge chops to MIA for taking on this awesome and weighty responsibility!!

Placement!

By Dano the CLIT

Good news! If you lost any gear in Mudpocalypse (Burning Man 2023) you are in luck!  I lobbied Placement hard to get us placed on 7:30 and Dick, but we are just too big (note from the editor:  That’s what SHE said).  So given the girthiness of SWB, we will be back on 7:30 and Ellison, almost exactly where we were in 2023, and where Glamcocks were last year.

Brace yourselves for once again rocking the ‘burbs!

Drivers Wanted

By Dano the CLIT

Building the Best Goddam Bar on the Playa requires a LOT of work.  Not only do we need bodies to erect our camp, but we also have giant logistical preparation to deal with.  We have a number of vehicles that currently need drivers.  Sometimes we will need to drive from California to Reno.  Others will be just from Reno to the Playa (and back!).

If YOU think you have what it takes to get out to Build Week without ending up in a ditch, send me an email, dano@spankys.org and let me know what kind of availability you have for making sure all the good stuff gets out to the Playa.  Put the word DRIVER in the subject line

.
Thanks!

Shift Signups

By Satan

Hello everybody, Satan here.

As everyone will know once they’ve read this article, all you Spankers have to sign up for work shifts. It’s true, and while work shifts sound a lot like “work,” these shifts are some of the best fun to be had while camping with us!

There are plenty of flavors of work shift to choose from, so please take some time to peruse the shift descriptions at spankys.org/work-shifts to get a sense for which ones you would like to sign up for.

Please note that while the website says that each Spanker needs to commit to 16 hours of shifts, there’s still some number crunching to be done to figure out how many hours we will need this year (another great reason to invite your friends to camp with us!)

Lastly, if you are a department head and you haven’t sent me your departments shift structure for this year, please do so!

Sign ups open on the 20th of this month 

What a Deal!

By Doc Pyro

Doc Pyro, creator of Barbie Death Camp, has once again put together the J Resort Reno Hotel Deal for 2025.  This deal is for all burners coming to or leaving from Black Rock City.  Here are the details (taxes and resort fees are not included and all casinos charge them):

• Tuesday, August 19 to Thursday, August 21:  $59
• Friday, August 22 to Saturday, August 23:  $109
• Sunday, August 24 to Thursday, August 28:  $59
• Friday, August 29 to Sunday, August 31:  $139
• Monday, September 1 to Wednesday, September 3:  $59

You must call (866) 386-7829 or (866) FUN-STAY and ask for PYRO25.  We have taken down several floors of rooms and each room sleeps 4 (or 12 if you’re sponsoring the orgy).  The J Resort has a free sauna, large jacuzzi, ice machines on every floor, large outdoor swimming pool, and ample free parking.  There is also a free shuttle to and from the airport.

Never let it be said that Doc Pyro doesn’t unselfishly give back to the burner community.  You are indeed welcome.

Note from the editor: also, what a segue!

Consent and an Earworm

By Hornycorn

There’s lots of ways to keep it at the forefront of our minds when it may be
so easy to overlook otherwise. One idea is to remind ourselves with easy
acronyms we can repeat in our heads. It may be as annoying as when that
song “come on Barbie, let’s go party” gets stuck in our head, but hey, it’s
something.

B.E.D. has one idea for us.

FRIES: Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, Specific

Any other ideas to help us all remember and stay alert in the moment? Shout
‘em out!

PS: you’re welcome for that song driving you crazy the rest of the day.

Impotent Dates

• June 19: Deadline for RV pumpout orders
• June 20: Work shift signups are open
• July 1 – 6:  4th of Juplaya
• July 7: Deadline for RV pumpout payment
• July 8: STAPH Meeting
• Aug 1: Deadline for RV power, and RV and Tent Water orders
• Aug 8: Deadline for RV power, and RV and Tent Water payments
• Aug 18: Build Week
• Aug 23: Soft Opening Party at the Best Goddam Bar on the Playa
• Aug 30: Man Burns
• Sep 4: Start Planning for 2026!

Greetings From (Hopefully) Your Second Favorite CLIT
By Dano the CLIT

Sweet Baby Jesus it is getting close to the BEST WEEK OF THE YEAR!  I don’t know about you, but I am getting excited.  Your intrepid Staph has been working like little Trojans to get the Dirt Circus up and running.

• Our NIPS (well, we are down to just one NIP now) the Noob Integration and Participation Syndicate has been interviewing potential Spankers practically every day. And we have some awesome noobs!  I’m counting on all you crusty jaded old fucks to make them feel at home.  Way to go Romeo!
• Ishalicious has been wrangling our equipment into shape and purchasing all the new infrastructure we need to make Spanky’s even cooler than last year.  I think that he has DOUBLED from last year the shade available to tent campers.
• M.I.A. and his DJBJ team have a fantastic lineup of talent to keep the bar rockin’ every night
• Olaf has promised us Minions again this year.   I just hope he has time to build the map!
• Amethyst and Red Queen have been tirelessly coordinating tickets, camp dues, camp expenditures, Welcome Packs, and hours and hours of behind the scenes prep work.
• Our bar managers Grommet and Captain Obvious have the booze orders up and ready

These guys give up so many hours of their lives to keep this shit show going.  Be nice to them.  Hugs are greatly appreciated.  Maybe even handjobs.

So in conclusion, trailers are rented; generators reserved; packing lists prepared.   It’s ON like ARMEGEDDON!

LOOK FOR A BONUS ISSUE OF THE PADDLER ON AUGUST 1st or thereabouts for even more information!

Greetings From the CLIT
By Dano the CLIT

Question: How many Burners does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: FUCK!  (slaps forehead) We forgot light bulbs!

It’s August.  Your intrepid Staph has been busier than a bunch of one-legged men in an ass-kicking contest.  And winning!  If you are anything like the rest of our 79,999 neighbors, you are in mild panic mode trying to remember if you packed your bunny suit that was such a hit last year.

Now is not the time to panic though.   Breathe.  Sit down.  Relax.   And READ THE FUCKING PADDLER!  This issue has a lot of important shit in it.

Once you finish reading The Paddler, then you can go back to panicking.

One more issue of The Paddler coming out on August 15, so keep checking your inbox.

I can’t wait to see all of your dusty asses out at the Best Goddam Bar on the Playa!

Note from the editor: RIP Ozzy. 

In This Month’s Paddler, You’ll Find:

• We gotta work, for our right, to paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaartay!
• Yes, we Need Those Stinkin Badges!
• I don’t know who came up with Whorientation, but it’s fucking genius
• It’s so girthy!
• My well of Wet Ass Pussy jokes hath runneth dry
• We put the Head in Headquarters
• The Spaaaaaaaaank ohhhhhhhhhhhhh MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATIC!
• We put the Cock in Cocktail Party
• We’re trashy, but we’re not THAT trashy
• Our services are needed elsewhere!

One Last Party Before We Party
By Ish

My beeeeaaautiful biiiiitches. We’ve got one final work party bright and shiny at 9 (I know, right?) in the AM on Saturday, August 16th at Safari RV in Reno, and we need all the help we can get. Gotta clean some mothafuckin watercubes, gotta rebuild a mothafuckin ‘Sorry We’re Open’ sign, Gotta get the kitchen squared away, basically we’ve got get our fuckin shit together. So we’re gonna do that. We will feed you lunch on the company dime. Please RSVP to Ish at (707) 631-1611. Spanky’s needs you. Help us the fuck out.

Wait! Spanky’s Is NOT a Wine Bar? WTF? It’s all about the Lanyards
By Dano the CLIT

Yes! We serve the best shitty wine on the playa.  Yes! We serve the best shitty beer on the playa. But Spanky’s is more than all that.  We are a SEX POSITIVE space for those who might be entertained by some mildly kinky, and definitely funny antics in the Infamous Crown Jewel of Burning Man Bars.

While it is great to be able to let our and our guest’s freak flags fly in a safe space, we have to be careful that some of our clients don’t misinterpret our sexy goofy style as a free-for-all where anything goes.  We all know that anything goes only with ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT from all parties involved.

It is VITALLY IMPORTANT that all of our campers feel safe in camp.   We ALL NEED TO LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER.

Because we are a rather large camp (over 150 of us this year!), it will be darned near impossible to be able to recognize every single one of us by sight.  So, it is a HARD and FAST RULE, that all Spankers MUST WEAR THEIR PINK LANYARD AND ID BADGE  (with picture) whenever you are in camp.

If you have friends from other camps that want to come visit you at Spanky’s, have them check in at HQ first.  From there, the Camp Bitch will send a Spanker to come find you, and then YOU can escort your friend back to your space.

If we have any UNESCORTED people wandering around in the back of the house (where we all camp, eat, fuck, etc) without a PINK LANYARD AND ID BADGE, it is the DUTY of EACH ONE OF US, to greet these people, get their name, and escort them back to HQ to await an escort.

At Spanky’s we take the safety of our campers seriously.   We don’t need any creepers lurking around in the dark, or the light.  So WEAR YER GODDAM LANYARDS PEOPLE!  You can also wear them out of camp too! I’ve heard that other bars may give you free drinks when you do!  

All Camp Meeting
By Dano the CLIT

Spankers! Romans! Countrymen!  Lend me your ears!   There will be an MANDATORY ALL CAMP MEETING  under the BASS at 5:30pm on MONDAY, AUGUST 25. All Spankers MUST ATTEND!!

The Meeting will entail:

• Introductions of some Staph members, including:
  • Admiral Painjoy – Founder
  • Ishalicious – Quartermaster
  • Captain Obvious and Grommet – Bar Managers
  • Thumper – Twisted Nipple Lead
  • Hornycorn – Consent Education Team Leader
  • Solar – Sanctuary
  • Amethyst – RV Servixes Coordinator
  • Olaf – SPOOGE director
  • M.I.A. – DJBJ Team Lead
  • Romeo – NIPS
  • The SEx Board
• We will briefly discuss camp responsibilities, Enthusiastic Consent Policy, and Safety (third, naturally)

Immediately following the conclusion of the ALL CAMP MEETING,  we will hold WHORIENTATION.

Starting at 7pm, we will hold four fifteen minute training segments for the various attractions at The Best Goddam Bar on the Playa.   Staph trainers (whores), will give a fifteen minute training sesh on the subjects listed below at 7:00, 7:15, 7:30 and 7:45.  Trainees can rotate through whichever four topics seem most applicable to the shifts you have signed up for.

• BARTENDING/BARBACKING with Grommet and Captain Obvious
• SPANK-O-MATIC/CARNY/ASS BASS AMBASSADOR with SpankIT
• S.P.A.N.K. U. and the ABUSEMENT PARK with Thumper or Snow Patrol
• CAMP BITCH with Dano the CLIT
• SECURITY with Knees and Webster

At 8pm, we will have “Spankers Only” versions of:

• Kinky Wow Wow’s SADO BAR
• Thumper’s Twisted Nipple
• Captain Obvious and Grommet‘s SWB’s Bar

Please note that you MUST WEAR YOUR LANYARD WITH YOUR ID BADGE during this event, just so we know that you are a member.

At 9pm Spanky’s Wine Bar will OPEN TO THE PUBLIC!! So get yer dusty asses ready cuz this place rocks!

At 10:00 pm the NOOB handcuffed bar crawl will begin.

Fill Your Hole Week with our Big Throbbing Schedule
By Webster

Look folks, Spanky’s is always fucking bumpin’, but who doesn’t love a theme. With that in mind we have some events planned for this cumming burn (and boy is it cumming quickly).

• Saturday
  • 8:00 – All I want for Christmas is a Soft Opening – Our Christmas themed soft opening party. We get to test out all our attractions and fete our fetid fellow burn builders before gate opens. Bring people presents? Sit on Santa’s Lap? Celebrate Christmas YOUR way.
• Monday
  • 5:30 – All Camp Meeting – This is MANDATORY FOR ALL MEMBERS (see article)
  • 7:00 – Whorientation – Learn how to do your fucking jobs (see article)
  • 8:00 – Spankers Only Party – Meet and Greet. Finish your training
  • 10:00 – Noob Handcuffed Bar Crawl – Get tethered to your new favorite friend, and explore the neighborhood with your sinful spanker siblings
• Tuesday
  • 3:00 – Little Black Dress Cocktail Hour – Your dress is tight, might as well loosen up a bit with your fellow natty nasties with a cocktail in the Chill-o-torium 
  • 4:00 – Little Black Dress Parade – The Burner Band is bringing back its booming and squawking and we are gonna support them like a high-quality handbra, get gussied, and dustied.
  • 5:00 – Neighbors Potluck dinner – Do you have a delicious dish you’d like to disperse among spankers? Something to share, serve, or split? Meet at the SNATCH for potluck participating and partaking…please
    • Note: The kitchen will be available to all who wish to cook something for the potluck.  Normal rules apply, clean up after yourself.  Fridge space in the kitchen is also available for use for the ASS program or the potlock.
• Wednesday
  • 12:00 – 6:00 – Spanky’s Does Distrikt – Let’s show the sound camps how WE party (see the article)
  • 9:00 – Please Cum to Prom – Remember prom? Maybe you went. Maybe you were too cool. This year, I PROMise that even the cool kids will be lookin fine and struttin their stuff to sultry beats and groovy tunes, but well…you don’t exactly have to leave room for Jesus. Also there’s definitely no adult supervision–just unsupervised adults. Classy the joint up a little. Maybe wear a tie? Get tied up?
• Thursday
  • 9:00 – Plan 69 From Outer Space Party – Is it porn? Is it sci-fi? Who knows. Rock something shiny, spacy, spicey, and feisty.
• Friday
  • 9:00 – Pussy Galore Feline Femme Party – Celebrating our lady DJs, and other sexy things. Like…uh cats? Cat ears, leopard print, rockin rhythms – what more could you want in life?
• Saturday
  • 11:00 – Burn Night Bacchanalia – Whether you’re returning from getting burnt by the ashes of the man in your birthday suit, or wearing the traditional toga-attire, celebrate the burning of the man in the style of our ancestors, by guzzling wine with a buncha weirdos and frolicking all night long
• Sunday
  • 3:00 – Sweat Baby Sweat – The first part of strike. While we’ve got all hands, we are gonna do a few hours of serious ass-work pulling some key features of our camp apart, before all heading to the temple for a good final cry. Meet under the BASS for your work assignments.
  • 9:00 – SWINE BAR – After you watch the temple burn, you’re gonna need a serious emotional pick-me-up. I mean you could just sadly go home still in your feels–or you could join us for our stripped down and wildly stupid swine bar–(for those of you that don’t know–this has nothing to do with our porcine friends–but we won’t judge if you go running around with one of those cute little curly tails jammed in your butt)
• Monday
  • 9:00AM – STRIKE CAMP – ALL HANDS
     

SAPs
By Webster

Alrighty Dustyfuckz.

Look. Build is awesome and y’all should come to it. Yeah we need your help, yeah we need your bodies, but also this is a great opportunity to get to hang out with your fellow Spankers and get to know each other when you’re not all running off in a million burning directions. More importantly, if you join us, you get to see the emergence of one of the coolest, dumbest, and doubtlessly prettiest creations in all of humanity’s wanky history. Some of us stinky bastards even think that build is the best part of the burn, so take that with a pinch of salt (and probably a lot of deodorant) and then realize you should come join us

The boffins over at Spanky’s HQ have done the math, and realized that we still have quite a few setup access passes available, especially for Wednesday and Thursday of build (but if you’re trying to get in some other day, let us know–we will see what we can do), and we want you to have em. So join up, struggle against the dust with your darling dumbshit buildcrew, and create one of the grooviest gatherings this side of the restaurant at the end of the universe. We need you. We want you. We’d like to sweat with you (in more ways than one). HELP US BUILD!!!!!!!!

Email dano@spankys.org to get your SAP today!
 

SWB HQ/ Meet your Docents
By SpankIT

That drive fucking sucked

Spending hours at gate fucking sucked

The 5 hour speed limit fucking sucked

We finally got our happy asses to 7:30 and E, and now you’re telling I have to wait even more to check in before I can start setting up camp?

You’re god damned right you do

Listen, as much as it sucks, you gotta do it.  It’s in your best interest to do it, because if you don’t, there’s a very good chance you’re going to have to tear down and move your camp somewhere else once we notice you’re perched up where the Chillatorium is supposed to go.

So, to make everyone’s life easier, including yours, here is what you need to do when you arrive to Spanky’s.

Actually, let’s start off with a what not to do… DO NOT PARK ON 7:30 OR E STREET!  Every year we get yelled at for having cars parked on the main streets.  I’d like to avoid that this year, so…

• Find an empty spot in camp to park your vehicle.  If there are none, park on one of the INTERNAL camp roads
• Go to Headquarters.  It’s an FCP (Fucking Car Port) and should have a Spanky’s Wine Bar flag outside, and some people (hopefully), a table, and lawn chairs inside
  • If there is no one at HQ, grab a lawn chair and relax for a bit.  Someone will arrive shortly
• Tell one of the people at HQ that you’ve just arrived.  Hopefully they are one of the docents on shift
  • If there are no docents, grab a lawn chair and relax for a bit. A docent is probably out placing another Spanker!
• Once you’re paired up with a docent, they will walk you through the sign up procedure, which includes:
  • Getting your welcome packet
  • Signing your consent form
  • Answering general questions 
  • General tomfoolery

After you’re signed up, your docent will walk you to your tent/RV space, and you can start setting up.

If you arrive to 7:30 and E at an ungodly hour of the night and find HQ zipped up shut, don’t panic:

• DO NOT PARK ON 7:30 OR E STREET!!!!
• Find an empty space in camp to temporarily park for the night
• Get some sleep
  • If the Chillatorium is open, you can crash in there for the night
  • Sleep in your RV/CAR
  • Set up a minimal tent/bed – remember, you’ll have to tear it down in the morning
• In the morning, once you’re nice and refreshed, go to HQ a check in

Training Videos
By SpankIT

Did you know we have training videos up on YouTube? They were made on a non-existent budget, have no special effects, were shot on a literal potato, and look like they were edited by a team of talentless studio executives, but they’re educational, and dare I say, pretty dang funny.

If you have a workshift involving any of the topics covered, or even if you don’t, you should give them a watch.

You can find them on the Work Shift page of our website
 

Cocktail Party
By Webster

Well hello there you raunchy bunch of rascals. A few weeks ago we had our first NOOB meet and greet/Q&A, and we had so much fun that we decided to expand the franchise a bit, and welcome any and all Spankers to the next one. If it gets big enough, we might even use hip and cool features of Zoom, like (dare I say it?) breakout rooms (cue the oohs and ahhs). This meeting will be less of a Q&A (though that is of course more than welcome) and more of a loosely structured cocktail hour kind of dealio. So tune in, turn on, et cetera and join us at noon pacific (trying to accommodate our lovelies from across the various ponds) on Saturday the 2nd. You’ll meet some people and greet some people. Just a heads-up. It’s BYOB. Please don’t come unprepared. 

https://zoom.us/j/92797586102?pwd=Y39dZP2VgNTMKAlBhRUt8VTvhKLjOr.1

Deets:

Spanky’s Wine Bar is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.

Topic: Spanky’s Pre Burn Cocktail Party
Time: Aug 2, 2025 12:00 Pacific Time (US and Canada)
Join Zoom Meeting
https://zoom.us/j/92797586102?pwd=Y39dZP2VgNTMKAlBhRUt8VTvhKLjOr.1

Meeting ID: 927 9758 6102
Passcode: 384499

—

One tap mobile
+16694449171,,92797586102#,,,,*384499# US
+16699009128,,92797586102#,,,,*384499# US (San Jose)

—

Find your local number: https://zoom.us/u/anHDszDQL

Just Because We’re Trash Doesn’t Mean we Have to be MOOP

By Buffy

Yes, you’re trash. Spanky’s is a whole slutty little dumpster fire. We love that about us. The Burn loves that about us. But you know what else we love about us?
We aren’t MOOPY.

Here are some pointers on how to keep the BORG, our fair freaky city, and your notoriously ornery campmates off of your case and do right by our inhospitable home.

Pack it in, pack it out (and in and out and in and ohhhhh god…it’s over already?)

I know you all know this is a pack in/pack out event because you READ THE SURVIVAL GUIDE and would never go to an intense party in a desert that wants to kill you with zero preparation…but just to be safe, here’s a lil quickie on what “pack in/out” means.

There are no garbage services in the desert.
There. That’s it.

Ok I’ll give you just a little more since you’ve been such a good Spanker, reading your Paddler.

You must leave with EVERYTHING you showed up with (and then some, because you’re a responsible little Burner who knows that when you see MOOP, it becomes your responsibility).

This means if you bring a Kink.com supply of condoms and use them all you are going home with a trunk full of slime, baby.

Every tissue, paper towel, chicken bone, rotting bacon package (no offense, Bacon Daddy), dead vape/cigarette butt, wine bottle, etc. is going back home with YOU. Buy a brand new carport for the burn? All of that plastic and cardboard is still of you, by you, and for you until you find a respectable place off-Playa to dispose of it. Pack accordingly. Plan accordingly. Being less “single-use” minded is good for the planet, good for the Playa, and better for your sanity when you realize that those three randos you picked up at polyamorous speed dating aren’t the only giant heaps of bullshit garbage you’re hauling back to the default.

MOOP doesn’t stand for “Masters Of Overstimulated Passion!”

Or “Mystery Of Our Pants” or “Messy, Obsessive, Over-the-top Pleasure” or even our favorite mild-mannered Russian roulette: “Make Out Or Party” (which must be paired with 60 straight seconds of unblinking eye-contact and a shot of Malört in hand).

It stands for Matter Out Of Place. And what is that, you may ask (which you shouldn’t because you read the Survival Guide)? EVERYTHING THAT ISN’T PLAYA.

Not only is it bad form to leave this sacred land covered in your party goblin detritus, it’s likely to get you cursed – or worse, ON A NO-NO LIST WITH THE BORG AND SPANKY’S

We have EXCELLENT standing with the BORG. We get great placement, tons of space, and they even lend us peasants an ear from time to time when we need to shriek at the man behind the curtain.

Do you know why? We respect that BRC is a bubble that must be protected in order for us to be our most unhinged selves, we have a great cult following of degenerates, and – most importantly – WE TAKE MOOP SERIOUSLY. We are all hands on deck for our strike MOOP sweep.  We (literally) comb our plot of dust to ensure we keep our princess privileges.

Every little speck of glitter from your Amazon-fab unicorn costume, every shred of pubes, every fleck of ash from your joint… I mean CIGARETTE, officer… is MOOP.
But wait, it gets deeper  (and not the way I usually like it).

Your nasty cooler/toothpaste/handwashing water IS MOOP. Any fluids leaking from your car is  MOOP (and requires attentions…place some cardboard down and get help ASAP). Burn scars are MOOP. If it didn’t come from the heavens or the desert itself, it doesn’t belong here.

You are absolutely responsible for every sequin and Skyn™ in your personal area, the area assigned to you by placement, Spanky’s village, and Black Rock City as a whole. Do not fuck things up for the rest of us by being cavalier about your MOOPprint. After the Burn, they print a MOOP map. Spanky’s gets an excellent review. If there is a red mark, we know where you were camped and there will be a reckoning. Let the fear boners commence.

“Trailer Trash” may be one of your favorite subcategories on Pornhub, but when it comes to our trash trailer, our search bar is vanilla.

The great genderless deity that we have all created here – Spanky’s Wine Bar – is monogamous with our trash trailer. It does not share. No hall passes. No swinging. No poly. We serve THOUSANDS over the course of the week, and we need every fine-ass square inch of that big-bootied trailer to carry out the cans, cardboard, and bottles of those we are here to serve/hopefully get naked.  So the trash trailer behind the bar is for BAR TRASH ONLY.  No personal trash allowed.  Ever.

Here is what you signed up for: Sexy, dusty Hell in a desert where you agree to take home what you brought (physically) and be radically self reliant. It’s in the tenets. It’s part of the code we live by. Do not burden your campmates – your family – with schlepping your trash out when we have so much more to do. Don’t be a dick trying to slip in where you can, be a dildo and fill the gaping holes that so dearly need it!

We Saw, We Conquered, We Came Some More at DISTRIKT

By Dano the CLIT

Spanky’s Reputation is growing like a tumescent stalk of celery placed in glass of Viagra in the fridge.  The (in)famous Sound Camp from San Francisco, DISTRIKT, has invited Spanky’s to take over their bar for five hours on Wednesday, August 27 from 1pm to 6pm.  DISTRIKT is famous for “owning the day party”.  The place rocks during those mysterious hours when that hot ball of flaming gas is high in the sky, with big-name DJs, beautiful burners gyrating in the dust and the heat, and a full bar.

Spanky’s will need to supply 10 Bartenders/Barbacks and 4 floggers/flaming enema techs to torture and tease the tender tushies of Distrikt’s clientele.   This will be a super-happy fun-time to strut our stuff in the daylight.   So SPANKY’S will be looking for volunteers (Sorry, doesn’t count towards your 16 hour commitment) to BLOW DISTRIKT’S MIND!  

If you are interested in this “takeover”,  please email me dano@spankys.org and cc ish@ishwines.com  and we will give you the details as we approach this epic invasion.  Wear your Spanky’s T-shirts! (or not). Wear your Spanky’s ID badge! (or not). Let your Spanky’s freak flag fly! (or not). It should a fantastic party!

Impotent Dates

• RV PUMP OUTS SOLD OUT!
• Aug 1: Deadline for RV power, and RV and Tent Water orders
• Aug 8: Deadline for RV power, and RV and Tent Water payments
• Aug 16: Work Party
• Aug 18: Build Week
• Aug 23: Soft Opening Party at the Best Goddam Bar on the Playa
• Aug 30: Man Burns
• Sep 4: Start Planning for 2026!

Greetings, and a Huge Thank You From your IT Guy
By SpankIT… your IT Guy

Welp, all year long the burn has felt like it’s perpetually at least three months out, up until it suddenly wasn’t.  Crazy how that works out.

My mom doesn’t get Burning Man.  She thinks I’m crazy for going out in the desert for weeks on end, for building a city out in the middle of nowhere, then tearing it all down.  She complains that the money I save up and spend every year to go to this ridiculous thing in the desert could be better spent exploring some far off lands or on a relaxing vacation on some idyllic Caribbean island.  And, well, she’s not wrong, but she doesn’t get it.

Burning Man, and especially Spanky’s Wine Bar, is a beautiful expression of human strength, ingenuity, and maybe a smattering of hubris.  It’s what happens when people get together and do what they do best, be it make things, build things, cook things, explore things, teach things, or even perform things, not because they have to or to make ends meet, but because they want to.

Every Spanker contributes.  Every Spanker is the secret sauce that makes this whole thing possible, the glue that holds the camp together.  Every Spanker is what allows us to operate the best god damn bar at Burning Man, to throw the biggest and gnarliest parties in the City, and to be a safe place to let not only ourselves, but an entire city of eighty-thousand people be themselves and let their freak flags fly.

So to our STAPH, the BABE, my colleagues on the SEX board, and especially to every Spanker, past, present, and future, I say thank you.

I can’t wait to see your sexy asses in the dust,

SpankIT

Note from the editor: Things are about to get stupid.

Also:

Accordions. AHHHHHH…. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Note from the editor:  Sory folks, I’m tired, I need to be up early, and this needs to go out today.  So instead of my witty  table of contents and article headlines, you get just the basics.  We will return to our usual shenanigans in the next Paddler.

In This Month’s Paddler, You’ll Find Info On:

• Consent
• Chillatorium
• Buld Week
• DJ Schedule
• Exodus
• Strike
• LNT
• Wi-Fi
• Tent Shade
• Camp Map
• Sanctuary
• Cockfights
• Assports
• How SWB Operates

Consent is FRIES
By Hornycorn

Hey, how’s it goin? It’s as easy as that! HEY, HOW’S IT GOIN!

I’m Hornycorn, the head of CET, the Consent Education Team. Partnering with BED, the Bureau of Erotic Discourse, I’m also our camp BEDucator. In addition to being the co-head of SNATCH (or as I like to call her, Queen of the Kitchen), For Later is our lovely Consent Management Minion!

There’s a lot of connection and play that happens on the playa and it’s all of our responsibility to look out for each other. That brings us to Enthusiastic Consent.

Spanky’s believes that the 11th principal, Authentic and Enthusiastic Consent is fundamental to the safe exploration of all interactions within the camp. Normalizing discussion of boundaries, parameters, and behaviors, as well as establishing rules, are paramount.

Consent is as tasty as FRIES:

• Freely given: w/o pressure, coercion, or manipulation
• Reversible: ongoing process that can be revoked without judgment
• Informed: clear understanding of risks, benefits, and consequences
• Enthusiastic: if consent is passive, reluctant, or a maybe, it’s a NO
• Specific: clearly defining boundaries and parameters, no room for misunderstandings

See someone who may not be so comfortable with an interaction going on? No need to be confrontational, but you can still help. Just go up and check in while making some new friends! “Hey, how’s it goin!” If any help is needed beyond that first bring it to one of us. If you can’t find us, the Camp Bitch. The Rangers are always here to help, but most of the time we all just need a Teachable Moment and can keep it in camp.

Now let’s go Enthusiastic Consent all over each other!

Enjoy our Chillatorium
By Hornycorn

Spanky’s is a family and we want everyone to feel that way. Say hello to the Chillatorium! An air conditioned spot where we can all feel equally welcome to hang, laugh, take a quick snooze (during the day) and get to know each other. Hell yeah we throw some great damn parties! But we also want a space to talk, bond and chill (pun intended). Now let’s look at some very important rules…

Chillatorium Checklist

• This is a Social Space first.  Chatting it up and making each other laugh with dirty jokes is encouraged!
• Go ahead and attach your music to the Bluetooth speaker!  Try to mix it up. We’ve already got plenty of EDM out there.
• Looking for some air conditioned snoozing and well-behaved snuggling during the day (ONLY)? Just grab yourself some earplugs and make yourself comfy in the back!
  • Looking to NOT be so well-behaved?  Take it back to your own tent/trailer. This ain’ t no stabbin’ cabin!
• Campers getting to or leaving the Playa super late/early: no problemo crashing for a few hours, but this isn’t a sparkle pony dome. No moving in or long-term storing of luggage or yourself. Make sure to keep out of the way and that luggage labeled.
• The Chillatorium is for SPANKERS and our accompanied friends to socialize. All non-Spanker guests must be with a lanyard-wearing bonafide Spanker.
• Napping in the Chillatorium is only allowed during the day. If that flaming ball of gas known as Mr. Sun has dropped behind the mountains, you have to go back to your own tent to cut some Z’s.
• Leave No Trace

If you need anything, Hornycorn is the Chiller in Charge (look for the tall and mostly naked Spanker with a unicorn horn) with Rowan and For Later (Queen of the Kitchen) also being top dogs to go to if needed. And there’s always the Camp Bitch for help beyond that.

Let’s get ready to chill!

Put Your Back Into it,  You Fucking Wanker
By Mr. Wolf

DJ Schedule
By M.I.A.

Gettin’ Off (Playa)
By Mr. Wolf

There’re many ways to strategize exodus and basically none of them are winning. Let me begin by saying that the best way to not have to deal with as bad of a queue is to stay on playa and help us strike camp. Better a few hours of backbreaking manual labor with your friends than sitting sweating in an exit queue for eight or twelve or however many hours. So hang out on playa with us through Tuesday morning, and help us (all) get off. 

However, if life demands that you get off playa prontissimo (y’know because your bestie is getting married, you’re hoppin on an airplane, your husband is making paella and is gonna be real butthurt if you miss it, or god forbid you’ve actually got a job to get back to), our tips are as follows (keep in mind…they are just the tips). 

1. Do your absolute best to not be driving off-playa at night. That’s when bad things happen. People are exhausted and make mistakes. Plan your departure time accordingly
2. Stay hydrated, bring snacks. That queue is brutal
3. Don’t engage in substance abuse in the queue. You’re a sitting duck for anyone that might want to make your life unpleasant
4. Don’t anticipate being able to run your car (and therefore AC) the entire time you’re in the queue. Many a burner has run out of gas from this behaviour
5. Keep calm and carry on. Basically the powers that be ‘pulse’ groups of vehicles out of the queue onto the teeny little county road, and that can be massively frustrating. Sitting. Then moving. Then sitting again (often for an hour), staring at the road, but unable to get on it. It’s moments like these that burners (who are by and large a pretty loveable bunch) can really lose their cool. Don’t be one of those

Spanky’s Strikes Back
By Mr. Wolf

We built it. When the time comes, we also gotta break it. Strike is straightforward and brutal. A year of work gets undone in a couple days, so here’s how it’s going to work weather and traffic permitting:

•  Sunday at noon those of you who are silly enough to be awake and functional will begin the hard work, but by four we need absolutely all hands on deck. We break down the bar and the big shade structure in spankertown. The kitchen and chill tent come down. Swine bar gets set up. Time to go to the temple burn, get your cry on. Come back and get your swine bar on. Funky, Fresh, and Foul. Nudity is appreciated.
•  Monday. Everything else gets done. Our container gets loaded. If you’re already in Reno, we need your help at Safari RV unloading. In past years, Bob and Tanya get stuck with this job and that sucks, so please help them. The GRID gets packed up. The BASS comes down in the evening. 
•  Tuesday: Tons of linesweep-y/LNT-y things. Final loading on everything that’s not already loaded. Everyone’s personal shit get’s shat. We hit the road. All of us get off playa. Tuesday afternoon (traffic and weather permitting) we need your delicious meatsacks to help us at Safari. The big goal of Tuesday is a chill and measured exit culminating in showers for all. 
• Wednesday: We need meatsackpeople for final cleanup at Safari RV at noon. If you are available to be such a meatsack, please let us know. Wednesday night we will definitely be eating some kind of a meal together….and who knows where the night will take us. It’s definitely gone some interesting places in the past, no reason to think it’ll be any different this time.
• Thursday: Nurse your hangover, and start prep for next year–you lovely dipshit you. 

LNT (Leave No Trace) Bootcamp – Sexy Playa Prep!
By Phil

Oh, you tantalizing Spankers! The playa’s seductive call is almost here, and I, your friendly Master of MOOP, (ROSC) am here to keep Spanky’s Wine Bar spotless! With packing and grocery hauls heating up, I’m ready to spank some Leave No Trace fun into you all. Read this, my delightful darlings, or face a playful paddle—5 minutes now saves us a dusty cleanup later!

Spank-Worthy Do’s & Don’ts

• Pack It In, Spank It Out: Bring your naughty treasures—tent stakes, lag bolts, bottle caps—but count them, mark them with bright tape, and yank them out, or it’s a flirty shin-smacking penalty! No lost stakes slip by!
• Compost Kink: Turn food scraps into playa passion—fruit, avocados, coffee, meat, eggs, cheese, bread, banana peels, fish, pits, bones—all get a steamy compost spank. But banish tea bags, coffee filters, fruit stickers, water/ice, paper, ashes, wood, burlap, cardboard, cooking oil, and rocks/dirt from this sensual pile—they’re off-limits!

• Gray Water Tease: Showers are a hot affair, but that gray water’s a naughty flirt—contain it, evaporate it, or haul it off in a jug. Shower with a consenting partner (you cheeky devils) or use biodegradable wipes to keep it spicy. Peek at Playa Living (https://survival.burningman.org/leave-no-trace/) for more watery thrills!
• MOOP Bag Seduction: Carry a chic MOOP bag everywhere—deep playa, art, dance floors. Swing by Earth Guardians’ boutique for a fashionable pick-up; LNT can be a sexy sashay!  If you see trash, it becomes your trash, pick it up!  Snag every cig butt, ash, or sequin, or it’s a playful spank!
• Fuel Play: Generators are sizzling, but leaky fuel? Not in this camp! Stash those cans in a tote or kiddie pool, unpack with flair, and never let them touch the playa. More here (https://survival.burningman.org/leave-no-trace/).
• No Glitter Subs: Leave glitter, feathers, sequins, synthetic wigs behind, or they’ll be scrubbing the playa with a toothbrush! Thrift shop costumes are the safe word—playa-proof and MOOP-free.

Trashy Aftercare

Post-event, ditch trash like pros at Leave Nevada Beautiful spots—check this list (https://survival.burningman.org/leave-no-trace/leave-nevada-beautiful/) for Reno, Fernley, and more. No sneaky dumps at rest stops or neighbors’ yards, or it’s a $2,000 fine and a stern talk from the law—yikes! RV gray/black water? Hit Pyramid Lake Marina or Love’s Travel Stop ($10, worth every penny).

Camp Cleanup

• MOOP Sweeps: Line up, arms-width, and sweep the camp—before, during, after. We will reward the MOOP-hunting champ with spanks!
• Kitchen Kink: Lay a tarp under cooking zones—saves from a dusty paddle cleanup.
• Tent Stake Torture: Remove EVERY stake, or it’s a tire-puncturing penalty. Use an impact driver or vise grips if they resist!

Outfit Tease

Playa dust loves to spank threads—hit the thrift shop for MOOP-safe gear. Ditch beads and body gems; let’s keep it sexy and scandalous!

Dive into these guides, my loves: 

• What to Pack (https://survival.burningman.org/leave-no-trace/what-to-pack-and-what-to-leave-at-home/) 
• LNT Tips (https://survival.burningman.org/leave-no-trace/leave-no-trace-tips/)

 Let’s make Spanky’s the cleanest, kinkiest camp—any MOOP slip-ups, and the paddle’s ready!

Questions? Whip them my way!

ROSC

Your Friendly Master of MOOP

We Have Wi-Fi
By SpankIT

I’ll keep this one short.

• We have Wi-Fi at Spanky’s Wine Bar
• It’s pretty damn good
• Best coverage are in the BASS, Kitchen, and Chillotorium
• You may or may not be able to get it in your tent/RV
• We have a Spanky’s Member’s only Wi-Fi
  • Deets are on the back of your badge
• We have an open guest Wi-Fi available for anyone who needs/wants it
  • Feel free to inform our guests about it
  • It’s open and called “Spanky’s Wine Bar @ 7:30 & E”
• Want to stay off-grid?  Awesome!
  • You don’t have to connect if you don’t want to
• Don’t be an ass
  • We have one Starlink uplink shared amongst 150 members
  • Don’t download large files unless it’s absolutely necessary
  • Don’t constantly stream 4K videos
  • Turn off or disconnect  your devices from Wi-Fi when not in use.  Nothing kills bandwidth like OS updates and video game/app patches

Extra Nerdy Shit

One Starlink is good, two would be better.  If any anyone is bringing a Starlink setup with them with an Ethernet port, and wouldn’t mind donating their bandwidth with the camp and Black Rock City, it would be most rad.  Hit me up.

I’m taking some toys (no, not those kinds) to the playa this year.  A small server running Proxmox, a Linux VM running some containers, some Meshtastic LoRa radios, a Home Assistant, Grafana, an MQTT instance, stuff like that.  If any of yous are interested in that kind of stuff, contact me. We have the connectivity and maybe the bandwidth to do some cool shit.

Tent Shade
By SpankIT

We are proud to announce that Spanky’s has invested in acquiring more tent shade this year.  It really helps our tent campers get a couple more hours of shut-eye when the sun comes out.  Here’s how that works.

• You get a maximum size of 10 feet by 10 feet.  This is the physical distance between the poles.  Nothing we can do about it.
• No, unfortunately your yurt or ShiftPod will not fit
• Space in the shade is given out on a first come, first served basis
• There is no reserving spots
• Pack it in. Get close to your neighbor.  The narrower the gap between tents, the more tents we can fit in the shade area
• Want even more shade?  Great!  Bring some aluminet and feel free to attach it to our existing structure.  Just remember to button that shit down for when the winds roll through. AND NO REBAR!  Lag bolts only
• Shade structure is for people, not things.  Store your coolers, extra gear, etc outside of the shade structure

Camp Map
By Olaf

Sanctuary
By Solar

Hello Spankers!

Are you ready for one of the best times of your life? I can’t wait to see all of your beautiful souls.

Solar here, your lead for Sanctuary/First Aid and I don’t use ChatGPT. I use Solar Power!

Here is a rundown on how Sanctuary/First Aid works at our camp. Our service, ran by me and amazing volunteers, is to provide comfort and care to those in crisis or needing minor medical attention.

Out of all the fun attractions and spaces that Spanky’s Wine Bar has to offer, Sanctuary is not something I want you to have to experience. In fact, the goal for 2025 is to never have to use Sanctuary services. I hope Sanctuary is a ghost town. This being said, the word of the burn is PROACTIVE, meaning to prevent something from happening. How to be PROACTIVE at Burning Man? Great question.

• Read your survival guide from beginning to end. The survival guide will give you many important tips and useful information, so READ IT please.
• If you see something unsafe, SAY something. This could be things like tent strings or trailer hitches not lit at night, tent poles or rebar that is not covered, loose screws or raised nail heads at the bar, on the bar stools, on the dancer stages (we know there are a lot of them). These are some of the things that could prevent injuries.
• Bring packets of electrolytes and use them.
• When you feel the heat is getting to you, find shade or air conditioning. The Chillatorium at Spanky’s is a magnificent place to find cool air relief.
• Be smart with your illicits. Keep track and let your friend/partner/campmate know your usage. This helps if we know what we are dealing with in case of a trip to the Sanctuary and you are in no condition to tell us yourself. SIDENOTE: If you find your induced experience is not doing what you expect. FOR THE LOVE OF LARRY, DO NOT TAKE MORE! This will likely guarantee you a spot in Sanctuary, and although we will take excellent care of you, we would rather see you experiencing Burning Man and hear the stories the next day.

At Sanctuary, we provide basic first aid. I highly encourage you, actually insist, that you plan on bringing your own First Aid Kit with you. Be sure that is on the top of your packing list! For situations that call for more than basic first aid, we are here to help you. 

Here are important places to know about, perhaps put them in your phone. Burning Man medical and Rangers located at 3:00 & C and 9:00 & C, plus RAMPART (hospital) at Esplanade & 5:15. If you or one of our patrons have more than a minor first aid need, we will help get you/them to the appropriate medial station.

DON’T BE A TRIPPING HAZARD!

Wrapping this up, please prepare yourself! You are going to have the time of your life and be ever so grateful that you are a member of the Crown Jewel of Black Rock City, SPANKY’S WINE BAR! Also, this will all end in tears.

Love, Solar

Cockfights!  Yes!

By Dano the CLIT

Here at the Infamous Crown Jewel of Burning Man Bars we are always looking for new ways to titillate our customers.  One of our Spanky’s alumni, Matthew “Sammo” Samowitz has conjured up something that was too cool for his current camp, but fits in perfectly with our irreverent, sophmoric, and mildly retarded sense of humor.   Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Sammo’s description of the COCKFIGHT:

An Interactive Spectacle of Faux-Phallic Jousting

COCKFIGHT is a performative, participatory physical game that fuses elements of theatrical jousting, surreal humor, and social ritual into an absurdist spectacle of balance, bravado, and benign competition. Set upon a 30-foot balance beam elevated a modest 7 inches above the ground, two contestants square off wearing pelvis-mounted harnesses, each supporting an exaggerated, 5–6 ft artificial phallus.  The objective: to unseat one’s opponent using only agility and one’s member, while maintaining one’s own balance. The first to touch the ground loses the round. Matches are conducted in best-of-three format to allow for suspenseful comebacks and display of tactical flair. A dedicated Master of Ceremonies (Comedian Derek Dimpful) facilitates the proceedings, with additional volunteers welcome to narrate, cheer, or inject spontaneous irreverence.   The MC serves as both referee and bard, guiding the audience through each match with humor, flourish, and possibly a faux-academic commentary on the history of ritualized dick-jousting and symbolic combat.

REQUIREMENTS

• 30-foot beam (7 inches high, 6 inches wide)
• Two pelvic harnesses with soft, lightweight jousting cocks
• 2 dirt bike or football helmets
• MC microphone/speaker setup
• Willing volunteers for matches
• Chairs
• Amethyst’s salty nuts
• Dano’s sexy ass

Bend Over People.  Assports are Coming.

By Dano the CLIT

The Assports Program is making a triumphant return to the Playa this year, and Spanky’s Wine Bar is included.  If you are working any BAR SHIFTS, you should be aware of this fun interactive butt-based quasi-scavenger hunt for the citizens of Black Rock City.

Basically folks can pick up an “ASSPORT” at various locations throughout the city, and begin a quest to get them stamped at gluteal related camps around the city.   Spanky’s will get roughly 75 Assports to hand out to our own folks who want to participate, or hand out to non-members.

Once an ASSPORT holder comes to Spanky’s they have to perform an butt-adjacent task to receive a stamp in their official booklet.   We will have SPANKY’S stamps and ink pads in the bar to accommodate Assporters.   Our signature task is the Flaming Enema, but you can choose ANY keester related task, or Deviant Dare Dice topic for an Assporter to get stamped.

Here is a short video with the 2025 Assports 

How the Sausage is Made

By Dano the CLIT

I’ve been burning since 2008, making me a relative newcomer.  However in the intervening years I have visited many bars and camps in Black Rock City.   And frankly, it is always more fun at Spanky’s.

So when our fearless founder and spiritual leader, Admiral Painjoy, threatened to take a year off after the incredibly “challenging” 2022 Burn, some of the heavy hitters in camp refused to let him pull the plug and we masochistically reshaped the management structure to relieve him of the massive amount of work it takes to make the magic happen.    Bear in mind that this is a collective effort by a lot of Spankers who definitely give more than one fuck about our growing family of weirdos.  In case you are in the dark, here is how it goes.

The Spanky’s Executive Committee does all the paperwork, interacts with the BORG, guides the camp, publishes The Paddler, and is the place where the buck stops.  It consists of myself (Dano the CLIT; Camp Leader In Trailer) Webster (the Error Apparent) and Deryck, aka SpankIT (who actually does all the work).  Though we search for consensus with our entire Staph in our decisions, the SEx Board has the final say. 

The Budget Advisory Board Ensemble controls our finances.  The five members are Amethyst (The Spank Banker Rod Hill), Red Queen (Amanda), Olaf, For Now (Bob), and Stretch (Kevin).   These folks were roped onto this board because they are smart as fuck, and can add without using their fingers.   They work all year to develop our budgets, oversee spending, and approve capital expenditures.   Each department develops a budget way back in February, and the BABE “consults” (basically tells the staph “no”) throughout the process.

All large expenses must be approved by a vote from the BABE.   SEx Board members don’t have a vote, but we go to all the BABE meetings and beg for money anyway.   The entire budget for Spanky’s is posted at the conclusion of the Burn so ALL members can review it.   Thanks to the hard-assery of BABE, Spanky’s is financially sound.  I love (and hate) them.

Our Quartermaster Ishalicious works tirelessly in Reno doing our logistics. He and Lincoln (Adam) spend hundreds of hours chasing down details like lag bolts for tent shade, and paint, as well as organizing all of our Work/Parties, packing, unpacking, transportation, storage, etc. etc. Actually more etc, than you could even imagine.

Our power grid is run by Spanky’s Power Operation and Oversight of Generation Enterprise, aka S.P.O.O.G.E. is run by Olaf.  SPOOGE is the beating heart of the camp.  Without it, we would be hot, dark, quiet, and pretty fucking boring.   Olaf and his team have provided steady, stable, and reliable power for years.   Be nice to the Sparkies.

If SPOOGE is the beating heart, Spanky’s Nummy and Tasty Chow House (formerly Eve’s Kitchen) or S.N.A.T.C.H. is the soul of the camp.   For many years Eve provided meals for the Build Crew and just about anybody who was hungry.  In 2024 this daunting and often thankless task was taken over by For Now (Bob) and For Later (Tanya).  But the spirit of Eve’s SNATCH remains.   The SNATCH provides two meals a day for our Build Crew Starting Wednesday morning.   You can also find coffee in the SNATCH every morning if you have fucked up and are awake in the daytime.    Even though Spanky’s DOES NOT provide meals during Burn Week, the SNATCH will remain open, and available for Spankers to use to cook their own meals.   Sometimes Spankers will make bigger meals to share (which we heartily encourage).  We aren’t strangers for long when we share a meal together.   Remember, this ain’t your momma’s SNATCH, so clean up after yourselves!!

Obviously the main interface for the public is the Infamous Crown Jewel of Burning Man Bars, our Bar.  This is run by Grommet (Wallis) and Captain Obvious (Jodi).  They organize the work shifts, alcohol ordering, and are the penultimate directors of the Bar.

RV Servixes is overseen by Amethyst.  RV Servixes is in charge of the Spanky’s Hydration Insertion Team (The S.H.I.T.) who will refill RVs during the Burn, and the Assistants to the Shit Suckers (A.S.S.).  These guys help the outside vendor drain the RV black and gray water tanks.  ASS also oversees the removal of used shower and kitchen water.

If you are a Noob, then you are aware of our amazing NIPS (Noob Integration and Participation Syndicate).  This department was invented last year by past Spankers Tamara and Pasaidu, who opted to take a year off in 2025.   NIPS was taken over by Romeo (Rowan) this year, and has been involved in most of our intake interviews and has arranged for some pretty cool mixers and social events during Burn Week.

Our Consent Education Team (still working on a better acronym for this one) is run by Hornycorn (Robin) For Later (Tanya) and Stout (Tad, who won’t be with us in 2025).  These folks have made it their priority to school us all on the tenets of the Eleventh Principle of Enthusiastic Consent.  Let’s face it, Spanky’s is a SEX POSITIVE camp.   Sometimes that positivity can be confused by not only our own campers, but by our customers as well.   HC and her team have done wonders to create a culture of mutual safety, and enthusiastic consent within Spanky’s.

Lighting and wacky attractions are under the aegis of Jeff and Mary.  They (unwisely) brought some searchlights to Spanky’s one year, and it has been a slippery downhill slope from there.   You can thank them for such star attractions as  our phallic can crusher,  Trigger the Wonder Pony, and the next super-secret (but cool AF) attraction to be unveiled this year.  Just wait….you’ll see!

New this year is the DJBJ Team (another acronym that needs some work…). M.I.A. and his crew have vetted hundreds of hours of demo tapes to put together a lineup of DJs for The Infamous Crown Jewel of Burning Man Bars. How they “fluff” the DJs is up to them. Welcome to the Shit Show DJBJs!

Further behind the scenes is our own Ticket Maven, Red Queen (Amanda).   I often refer to running this camp as herding 161 cats.  But the real organization of this motley crew is done by RQ.  She has things organized in such a way that she even reminds me of upcoming deadlines.   She also sorts out ALL of our tickets,  Vehicle Passes, Welcome Packets, AND Name Badges.  She is probably holed up in some dive motel in Reno as you read this laminating name badges and stuffing condoms in your Welcome Packets.

Math is not my strong suit, especially if I am wearing closed toe boots.   So the complicated and often thankless task of organizing W.U.S.S.I. our work shift program is handled by Satan (Adrian).  Because our shifts have varying lengths, arranging 16 hours for over 150 people is a full time job.   Satan took this one on in 2024 and I am sure he regrets it.   We have tried to sweeten the deal by making bribery legit.

In the spirit of brevity, I’ll stop here.  Suffice to say that the Spanky’s Dirt Circus wouldn’t thrive without a huge amount of work from all of our STAPH.  The staph is always listed at the end of each Paddler.   If YOU think that you want to work all year around, for no pay, and little recognition, please please please contact me after the Burn.   We are always looking for folks who give more than ONE FUCK about the success of  Spanky’s Wine Bar.  I truly believe that due to the efforts of so many people, we really are THE BEST GODDAM BAR ON THE PLAYA!

Impotent Dates

• Aug 16: Work Party
• Aug 18: Build Week
• Aug 23: Soft Opening Party at the Best Goddam Bar on the Playa
• Aug 30: Man Burns
• Sep 4: Start Planning for 2026!